Denial?

Do you ever have those military mom moments when you go, oh my kid is NOT going to grow up normal?

I had one of those the other day.

Bug and I were driving on base and she asked me about the new barriers and extra security. B and I have a policy of not lying to her about things. Now, don't go teasing me because I sound so high and mighty - not lying is TOTALLY different from not totally answering the question. For example, how are babies made? Miracle. That's the truth, and that's all of the truth she needs to know right now. I'm not going to tell her about sperm and eggs and sex and all that, but I'm not going to tell her about the stork.

I digress.

She asked, and I hesitated but then reminded her of the man who was killed a while ago. We discussed how he was very not nice, and did lots of bad things to people. And how he's dead now. I told her that it's sad that he's dead, because it doesn't matter what kind of person someone is, it's never good or happy when a person dies/is killed. But the bad man was part of what the fighting in Afghanistan is about, and he had friends. So now his friends are angry, and might want to retaliate against the military. I assured her that Daddy is safe, and we are safe, but still.

I had that conversation with my four year old.

She already knows that Daddy is a Marine and that Marines have guns and they fight. She knows that last time Daddy deployed, it was to help keep the good guys safe.

We are going to eventually have to have the conversation about how Marines can get killed. Thankfully, B's job is not that dangerous, as far as Marine Corps jobs go. But how do you explain that to a kid?

Maybe I'm in denial but I am not ready to have these conversations with her.

I keep waiting for her to figure out exactly what Daddy does and just how dangerous it is. I'm glad she hasn't yet, and I would love it if we could hold that realization for after the next deployment, but I fear it won't last.

And I have no idea how to tell her all the details.

Redbook

So I will say first that I LOVE Redbook. It's seriously my favorite magazine. It's probably the first magazine that I have ever read where I read and am interested in every article. I subscribe to it, which is saying a lot, because I have never ever bought myself a subscription to a magazine. I have been given subscriptions as gifts, but never purchased it myself.

If you read the magazine, you know that at the beginning, where they have their staff listed, each month they have a question/challenge that they pose and the staff responds.

This month's challenge? Help a military family. Awesome! I was totally on board, and so excited to see how the staffers responded.

Then I read the answers. And every.single.one involved giving some family money or household goods.

While I am aware that there are plenty of military families who could use financial assistance, I'm a bit frustrated that this seems to be the only way non military families seem to help out. There are SO many other ways to help, America!

I could come up with a list a mile long.

1. Make all deployments no more than 6 months.

2. Stop sending the guys who have already gone 3+ times. I know there is a Marine somewhere who has never gone.

3. Keep every single deployed service member safe.

4. Ensure that the next house we move to will fit everything from this house, and from the house before - that may or may not be in storage, or awkwardly shoved in a corner. Oh and if that house could be reasonably affordable, near the base, and in a good school zone? You'd be amazing.

5. End return date waffling.

6. Find a moving company that will not only not steal/lose your stuff, but not break anything either.

7. Provide every deployed service member with a cell phone that lets him or her call home regularly, but does NOT violate OPSEC.

8. Speaking of, explain to all of America was OPSEC is, and how to not violate it.

9. Get Americans to support the military. ALL Americans.

10. If somehow, word could be spread that we do NOT like to be asked if we're afraid while they're deployed, or to be told that we knew what we were getting into, that'd be nice. And it's that stereotypical joke, but please do not compare my husband's tour in Iraq/Afghanistan for 7-9 months to your husband's business trip of one week to New York City.

11. ...oh, you want realistic wishes? Ones that regular people *(AKA not HQ Marine Corps and the President)* can help with?

Fiiiiine.

1. Stop stereotyping service members. Just because my husband is a Marine does NOT mean he is a baby killer. He is a smart, kind, amazing man who happens to carry a gun for his job. Which involves defending you. And your right to call him a baby killer. Just keep that in mind, ok?

2. STOP stereotyping military spouses. I won't even go further in to this, because I get too mad.

3. Help spouses get good jobs. Don't look at our resumes and ignore the experience and education and only notice the constant moving.

4. Babysit my kid so I can go on a date with my husband. But don't be upset if that date changes a dozen times due to being called for duty, or liberty being revoked, or Top saying he has to stay late, or any other random thing that only the military pulls.

5. Give me a name, email, facebook address! of SOMEONE I can be friends with at the next duty station.

6. Remember that though my child is four years old, just like yours, she's lived in four houses in three states and said good bye to her Daddy for an unknown length of time three times.

7. Agree to answer the phone at 3 am when my neighbor pees and I think it's someone breaking in to the house while my husband is gone. Then stay on long enough to assure me that it's just that over active bladder again and my children and I are only in danger if we hide on the toilet.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE that there are people willing to help out military families. Lord knows we need it. I just feel like all the 'help' I ever see extended and received is financial. Aside from looking horrible *(and irresponsible)* to non military families, it's not fair to those who are doing well financially but could still use some extra help.

Military service members and their families do more for and give more to this country on a daily basis than the average citizen. We are grateful for the help. But please, America, don't think that throwing money at us can always solve the problem.

PS

I'm WAY proud of myself for figuring out how to change the font!

...and by figuring out, I may, in fact, mean googling 'how to change blogger.com entry fonts' and reading a dozen pages until I understood. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I manage to do anything technological.

Mac Attack!

Firrrrst off, I have to share that I am on a brand new MacBook! YAY! The reason I haven't been on here for a while is because ALL our computers crashed - I don't even know how. Well, I know how mine crashed - it's four years old and I've done a LOT on it. B's was having issues, so the geek that he is, he decided it to take it apart. Our desktop has been out of commission for a while, so for a few days we had nothing. Thank goodness for our iPhones. :) So, since we'd been talking about each getting a new Mac with our tax return money, B surprised me and bought us each a laptop!

So now that I'm BACK on my own computer and it's wonderful and fast and lovely, I can finally try blogging again. I was doing so good while B was gone. Then he came home and took his computer back over. LAME. Haha.

Clearly, there has been a lot going on in the world AND my life recently, so let's see what happens with this post!

Osama bin Laden is dead. I'm glad he's not a threat anymore but you I don't think I will ever say I am glad someone is dead. I don't care who they are. What's that Martin Luther King Jr quote? We will never learn to live in peace by killing other's children. Yeah.

I also have to say, I was ashamed of my generation for their celebrating in the streets. Really, who thought that was appropriate? I understand the relief people probably felt, but did they not think about how disgusted we as a country are when our 'enemies' do the same thing when they kill one of our service members? So while I do care how it made us look to our enemies, my biggest concern was how we stooped so low - right to their level.

Finally, I am not sure how some people think this means an end to the war. We just killed their leader. How does that make anyone think we are done with this? Also, a lot of reports were that lately, bin Laden has just been a figurehead. So they have a new, evil leader. And to send our troops home now? What about the Afghan people who have been helping us? Our base has new restrictions on getting on base; I'm sure bases in Afghanistan are under pretty serious security. I feel as though Afghanistan is more dangerous now than it was when bin Laden was alive.

I hope - but do not think - that this at least means a sooner end than before.

Moving on.

I've had lots of 'Oh being married to a Marine' moments lately. You'd think I'd be over it by now...not so much.

He came home a few weeks ago and Bug and I are thrilled. Last weekend, however, he had to go welcome the guys from his battalion home from Afghanistan. He came home so upset. The first thing he was , "I should have been getting off the plane, not f-ing greeting them." *(Obviously he didn't say f-ing, but I think you get it without me having to say it.)*

And you know what's weird? I totally understand. Ok. Not totally as in I want to go too, but I know why he wants to go. And I hope he gets to. I was talking to my future sister in law *(remember, brother in law is also a Marine. He's deployed three times and they are waffling about whether or not he'll be sent this fall. SIL is anxious.)* and she didn't understand why I was so chill about it. I was trying to explain the whole "They are Marines; it's their job" and eventually got to the "They are Marines; they are weird!!" and I finally realized why I'm so ok with him going. I told SIL, it's kind of a compliment that he so badly wants to go. She was astonished. But it is. He's so ok with us as a couple and me as a person and a parent that he has no hesitation/nothing holding him back and just wants to GO. He's volunteered with a group similar to his, but they don't need his MOS. We'll see what happens.

Well, I have a lot more to type *(like my recent frustration with the doctors here)* but I'm supervising while Bug cleans her room. I'm bribing her with her own Easter candy. It was working, but apparently, she can't clean if I am typing. Blargh. Somedays I just want to throw all her stuff away!

Final (part) Four

No, not about basketball. I don't care about basketball. Besides, I think that was last month? I really have no idea. If it's not football, I don't care. :)

Final entry of 100 facts! Head to Megan Writes to join in!



Nope, still don't know how to grab a button. Oh well.

76. My right leg is an inch or so shorter than my left. This is because of a car accident I was in a few years ago. In addition to screwing up my back, it apparently did something to my pelvis. Every so often, I get a blinding shooting pain in my right hip and it won't feel better until I pop the hip back in place. I've been told by several doctors that's a bad idea. But it's the only thing that makes it feel better. So I ignore them.
77. I don't think technology replaces talent. Just because you have an awesome camera doesn't mean you're a photographer. It means you have an awesome camera.
78. I didn't eat chicken until I met my husband. My dad likes it very dry, so that's how my mom always made it. I hated it.
79. I normally only drink water. I don't usually buy soda, but if I go out to eat, I'll get one.
80. However, I can't have caffeine, so I really only drink Sprite and root beer - but only Mug and A&W. Coke - entirely unnecessarily - adds caffeine to Barq's. Thanks.
81. The reason I can't have caffeine *(yes, even chocolate, along with red wine, citrus, onions, nuts, strong cheese, and a few other things)* is because there is a part of my brain that doesn't 'tolerate' something in all of those things and I'll end up with a migraine. I ignore a lot of that though and just hope for the best. It is one thing to take away my chocolate, but oranges too? Try again.
82. I still haven't hung our ball picture or Bug's school pictures because I get annoyed with how much a frame costs. It's four tiny pieces of wood nailed together. It should not cost more than $10.
83. I always want our house to have one more bedroom than necessary so we can have a guest room. When I was little, we only had enough room for us, and I was always the one kicked out when a guest came. I hated that.
84. I have a list for our house when we stop moving. It mostly involves the kitchen, my closet, and our wrap around porch.
85. I swear Bug has radar for when I stop paying full attention to her. When I am, she ignores me. As soon as I start doing something else, she wants nothing more than to be with me.
86. I'm tired of trying to explain to Bug that you can be skinny and pretty, but you don't have to be skinny to be pretty.
87. She has clearly lost her mind since her father left. I get it, but it's driving me up a wall.
88. I get annoyed by military spouses who complain about the military all the time, especially if you married AFTER enlisting. I get that parts suck, but seriously, you should have thought about it. This does NOT mean "you knew what you were getting in to," this means stop bitching all the time about everything. We're dealing with the same shit.
89. I have a very large vocabulary *(hello, English major)* but sometimes, I still think the F bomb is the best way to express myself.
90. If I could remember each language I have learned, I would speak seven: English, French, Spanish, Russian, Italian, German, and ASL.
91. I hate when my toenails aren't painted. I think the longest I've gone since I was 13 was a week without them being painted. It was weird.
92. But I always do my own toes. I think feet are gross and I don't like mine being touched or touching/being touched by other's. B knows this and uses it against me.
93. On paper, my husband is a horrible match for me. I used that as an argument before we started dating until my mom told me to shut up and get over it. Thanks mom!
94. I started writing a short story in college and still haven't finished it. The teacher reading it to the class as an example of 'everything good' about short story writing was one of my proudest moments.
95. In high school, I used to dye my hair crazy colors - pink, blue, green, purple. It never really worked because my hair is practically black. I'm pretty sure that's why I did it - I could say I tried, and looked bad ass, but it didn't take. Not my fault. I tried to be awesome and out there. Isn't that lame?
96. For years, I have known the names of my to be born children. I had a first and second place name for both girls and boys. Now, when I'm actually at the point of maybe having children to name, I think I like the second place names better.
97. I have a deep urge to paint a bathroom aqua. Or fuschia. I just think it would be so fun. B would never go for it.
98. The conversations I have with Bug never cease to amaze me. For example, we just had a five minute conversation about why her last poop hurt. Oh motherhood.
99. I want to learn how to whistle using my fingers.
100. I have been going to the gym on a fairly regular basis. I'm pretty proud of myself, but I feel like SUCH a slacker fast walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes next to some chick running for an hour. I mean, to be fair, I do treadmill AFTER elliptical, but still. B keeps reminding me that I have to start somewhere, and at least I'm at the gym. He's so good. :)

Heyyyyyyyy! I did a blogging thing and kept at it! Hurrah! I'm going to try to post more regularly now - this was such good motivation.

Part 3

Soooo maybe, really what I needed as motivation was to kick my husband out. Haha. I'm kiiiiidding. ...kind of. Really, I think I just have all that 'us' time free now, and what better way to spend it than doing something I love? Even if no one else reads this, it certainly makes me feel better. Anyway, to continue with the fun 100 Facts started by Megan Writes, here we go!


51. My laptop is really old and sucks, so I'm using my husband's. But I hate it. the keyboard is weird and the mouse pad is so insanely sensitive. Half the time I don't even realize I have touched it. I wish I had enough money to buy myself a new one.
52. My heritage is Irish, German, and Polish. But really, I'm American. I love the traditions and what not that I've learned from my grandparents, but I get really annoyed when people talk about how whatever they are. Were you born there? Then you're not. You're American. It's not uncool.
53. I almost got in a bar fight in London a few years ago because I had a Support Our Troops bracelet on and refused to accept that I shouldn't. This was years before I met my husband.
54. I get really bad migraines. I know what the cause is 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time, I'm convinced my sister was right when she said there was a tumor in my brain - even though she was only teasing and only saying it because of Kindergarten Cop - It's not a tumor!
55. I get so involved in some books that they affect my day and my mood. It's kind of weird.
56. I'm having some testing done with the doctors *(nothing too crazy, I'm just having issues focusing and remembering things)*, but I'm always afraid that they are going to find something seriously wrong with me.
57. Yet I can't stop myself from wanting to joke about hearing the voices. I haven't said anything yet, but ohhhh how I want to.
58. There's not much gray area in my life. It's always been pretty black or white. Some people say it's too harsh, I just say I fully believe in my decisions.
59. I don't like when people tell me I can't do something. I may not have wanted to do it, but don't tell me I can't. And I don't just mean, "Oh, you'd never jump off that cliff," *(which I totally did)*, but things like banning abortion and gay marriage. How does me doing that affect you? It doesn't. So leave me alone.
60. I want to de-friend about 20 people on Facebook, but I'm afraid they'd notice and ask why. I couldn't handle that confrontation - what would I say? I got tired of reading your crap?
61. Sometimes, I really think Military Wives should rule the world. I mean, seriously. What can't we do?
62. I can pick up almost anything with my feet.
63. I really over think things. I am sitting here trying to come up with deep details about myself, when really, I could just say my favorite color is pink. No one who reads this really knows me, so why I am thinking so much?
64. I want to be one of those girls who can wear any color nail polish. I feel stupid wearing most of them.
65. I love old musicals. When I was younger, I wanted to marry Gene Kelly. I cried the day he died.
66. My degree is in English, yet I feel like I can never really articulate my feelings.
67. I hate when I don't know what a word means. But I don't own a dictionary. I really never have.
68. I do, in fact, judge a book by its cover. First the picture *(even though I know author almost definitely had no involvement there)*, then the back summary. If I'm not impressed with the cover, I don't bother. If I get to the back summary, and am still not impressed, no go.
69. I want a Mastiff.
70. But I kill everything. I've literally never kept a plant alive - I even killed a cactus - and so far, in one week, I've managed to kill two fish. And no, I don't know how.
71. If I didn't 'end' a friendship, I usually assume it's because the person got tired of me. But I don't get upset by that. I have gotten tired of people, so I get the feeling. Is that weird?
72. I want another tattoo, but I don't know what. Or where to put it. I don't want them on my upper body. I regret putting one on my foot. I already have two on my hips. I mean...what's left?
73. After B, I tell my sister the most.
74. This weekend, I FINALLY guessed the gender of a baby correctly. This is probably the 15th time I've guessed, and I'm never right. I was so excited!
75. I feel like there is a lot of unnecessary stuff in my house, but I rrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyy don't want to be the one to clean it out.

Alright, off to bed for now. We've had such a busy weekend that Bug fell asleep on the couch. I guess I should move her. :)

Frustrated

So B is gone for a while, but only to NC, as I've mentioned. This separation has so truly shown that all the stupid little details need to be talked about BEFORE you are separated. Like we learn/teach at LINKS, you need to discuss all kinds of aspects of your lives and relationship before a separation to help each other know what to expect.

Well, we didn't really discuss money - I said, oh my god, what if I need money? He said, use your credit card, then pay it from my bank account. *(No, we don't have joint accounts. We kind of never got around to it, are now doing fine with out it, and it has kind of become one of our silly arguments. We'll get there someday, I'm sure. Haha. However, my credit card is set up to be paid from his bank account, so when I do need money from him, that's what we do.)* So the money thing is fine. I have POA for the kid and the cars, my name is on the lease for the house, so that's fine.

Anyone see what we didn't talk about?

Communication.

I know. It's a little one. Especially since he's just on the mainland, not Afghanistan, or Japan, or anything like that.

He's in North Carolina.

He has his cell phone. As long as we remember time difference, it should be fine, right?

Except we never talked about it!

I, being a girl, was so excited about the fact that he was just going to be in NC, that I figured we'd talk every day. Granted, we didn't need a marathon phone call every day, maybe just a few texts and if we got lucky, a quick phone call. I knew it would be hard, since I would be asleep when he woke up, he'd be busy when I woke up, I'd be at work when he was done with work, and he'd be asleep when I was done with work. But that's why there is text messaging, right? Super easy - send a few sentences, answer when you can. We both sleep through them, so it's not like we even had to worry about waking each other up. So in my head, we were fine and had a plan.

Except.

He's a guy. And a Marine, to boot. *(No pun intended.)* So he's totally mission focused - as in, he doesn't have "time" to talk. He works, and then when he's done with his work, he's either studying for work or making new friends.

It's getting frustrating.

He's been gone a little over a week. We've talked on the phone twice. He sometimes responds to my text messages.

At one point, he actually told me I had to let him miss me. WHAT?

I will admit, I was probably texting a lot when he first left. After all the times we've been away from each other when that was not an option, I was so excited that it was this time! Clearly, he's not on the same page.

I almost lost it because I'm doing some stuff with my doctor that had questions that he had to answer about me. I was so annoyed with the situation that I didn't really explain anything. I finally - maybe rudely. Ok, definitely rudely. - explained the situation and emailed him. He did respond and that was taken care of, thank goodness.

But still, I almost lost it.

Yesterday, he drove from NC to my parent's house to spend the weekend with them. Insert jealousy. That was when I got the second phone call. So in addition to being annoyed, I'm jealous. And I think I'm PMSing because I've been super snappy all day long. Poor Bug.

I think the worst part is that I haven't said anything to him. Girlishly, I do kind of want him to realize that he's ignoring me and fix out without me having to tell him. But I also don't really want to bother him. He's in NC for a pretty important thing, and I want him to be relaxed and in control so he can do well.

So for now, I simmer. And hopefully calm the hell down.

In other news, did you know that in one of the Rugrats' movies, Bruce Willis voiced Spike? How random...