Frustrated

So B is gone for a while, but only to NC, as I've mentioned. This separation has so truly shown that all the stupid little details need to be talked about BEFORE you are separated. Like we learn/teach at LINKS, you need to discuss all kinds of aspects of your lives and relationship before a separation to help each other know what to expect.

Well, we didn't really discuss money - I said, oh my god, what if I need money? He said, use your credit card, then pay it from my bank account. *(No, we don't have joint accounts. We kind of never got around to it, are now doing fine with out it, and it has kind of become one of our silly arguments. We'll get there someday, I'm sure. Haha. However, my credit card is set up to be paid from his bank account, so when I do need money from him, that's what we do.)* So the money thing is fine. I have POA for the kid and the cars, my name is on the lease for the house, so that's fine.

Anyone see what we didn't talk about?

Communication.

I know. It's a little one. Especially since he's just on the mainland, not Afghanistan, or Japan, or anything like that.

He's in North Carolina.

He has his cell phone. As long as we remember time difference, it should be fine, right?

Except we never talked about it!

I, being a girl, was so excited about the fact that he was just going to be in NC, that I figured we'd talk every day. Granted, we didn't need a marathon phone call every day, maybe just a few texts and if we got lucky, a quick phone call. I knew it would be hard, since I would be asleep when he woke up, he'd be busy when I woke up, I'd be at work when he was done with work, and he'd be asleep when I was done with work. But that's why there is text messaging, right? Super easy - send a few sentences, answer when you can. We both sleep through them, so it's not like we even had to worry about waking each other up. So in my head, we were fine and had a plan.

Except.

He's a guy. And a Marine, to boot. *(No pun intended.)* So he's totally mission focused - as in, he doesn't have "time" to talk. He works, and then when he's done with his work, he's either studying for work or making new friends.

It's getting frustrating.

He's been gone a little over a week. We've talked on the phone twice. He sometimes responds to my text messages.

At one point, he actually told me I had to let him miss me. WHAT?

I will admit, I was probably texting a lot when he first left. After all the times we've been away from each other when that was not an option, I was so excited that it was this time! Clearly, he's not on the same page.

I almost lost it because I'm doing some stuff with my doctor that had questions that he had to answer about me. I was so annoyed with the situation that I didn't really explain anything. I finally - maybe rudely. Ok, definitely rudely. - explained the situation and emailed him. He did respond and that was taken care of, thank goodness.

But still, I almost lost it.

Yesterday, he drove from NC to my parent's house to spend the weekend with them. Insert jealousy. That was when I got the second phone call. So in addition to being annoyed, I'm jealous. And I think I'm PMSing because I've been super snappy all day long. Poor Bug.

I think the worst part is that I haven't said anything to him. Girlishly, I do kind of want him to realize that he's ignoring me and fix out without me having to tell him. But I also don't really want to bother him. He's in NC for a pretty important thing, and I want him to be relaxed and in control so he can do well.

So for now, I simmer. And hopefully calm the hell down.

In other news, did you know that in one of the Rugrats' movies, Bruce Willis voiced Spike? How random...

25 Part 2

It's going to be hard to come up with 25 more, but I am really digging this so I'm going to give it a shot.

Head to Megan Writes to do the same!


I still don't know how to 'grab a button.' Sigh. I'll figure it out one day...maybe.

Anyway, on to the facts!

26. I don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. Even if I'm expecting a phone call.
27. I am terrified of spiders, but living in Hawaii has made it a necessity to no longer freak out and just kill the stupid things. I guess that's a good thing.
28. I love giving advice, but I'm always scared that I am going to tell the person the wrong thing. I try to just help guide the person and not outright say what I think they should do.
29. I miss my husband's friends from NC. They were great guys, and we don't have a group of them here yet.
30. I love reading celebrity gossip, but only on the internet. I'm not paying for that nonsense.
31. It's 10.30 Sunday morning. My house is clean. I have no errands. I don't know what I'm going to do the rest of the day. I don't like that.
32. I want to be a teacher, but I'm afraid I won't be any good at it. And I don't want to be a bad teacher and screw up kids.
33. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, but I miss a lot of jokes. For some reason, I just don't get them.
34. I love crime shows and wish I could do that, but I don't want to be a cop. And working for NCIS or something like that would not really work being married to a Marine.
35. Speaking of jobs I can't have, I feel like I have given up a lot to be married to B, but I don't regret a single one because I know he's the right person for me to spend the rest of my life with.
36. I wish I had an accent. Southern, NY, British, whatever. It'd be fun. I can adopt them all, but it's not the same thing.
37. I sometimes forget how old I am when I am shopping for clothes and pick things up and go, Oh. I am not 20 anymore. Dammit.
38. I want to know how to get rid of the internal working mom vs. stay at home mom debate. I wasn't prepared for it to be so hard to decide.
39. I don't like to cuddle. 95% of the time, I don't want to be touched. This is hardest for Bug. She wants to touch and be cuddled all the time. And I love her dearly, but it drives me nuts.
40. I love cooking and am not bad at it. But I want to be able to come up with my own recipes that are just blow-your-mind-awesome.
41. In an attempt to keep Bug a little girl and not one of those annoying too grown up tweens, I fight people about letting her do stuff. She's four, she does not need to get a mani/pedi. She doesn't need 451638 Barbies. She will NEVER have a Bratz doll. No Hannah Montana, iCarly, anything like that. No pretend boyfriends, no cell phones, etc. I don't care if this seems overprotective. I want my kid to be a kid. Not one of those insane 8 year olds who acts like she's 16.
42. If I could, I would rearrange all the rooms in my house probably once a month.
43. When we stop moving, I want to have a fair amount of land because I want a lot of dogs. But I don't want to have to walk them everyday.
44. I haven't been to Europe since 2008 and I think it's slowly killing me.
45. I am super proud of the fact that my husband is a Marine, and he has totally brainwashed me in to thinking that the Marine Corps is the best branch by far. It's bad.
46. I could spend all weekend reading and be totally happy. Bug would not like it.
47. I truly do not understand my Mother-in-Law. I love her and appreciate her, but we are so incredibly different, I just don't 'get' her. But I don't think she gets me either.
48. I'm not religious, but I carry my grandmother's rosary in my purse at all times. It's in a special pouch with a set of B's dog tags, a special coin he gave me for our first deployment together, and one of Bug's hair things. I consider it my lucky bag.
49. I hate math, but I am so proud of myself when I figure a math problem out. It's one of my favorite challenges. But I hate it.
50. I miss my sorority and my sisters way more than I thought I would when I graduated. It sounds stupid, but you really do make amazing relationships with your sisters. Still one of the best decisions I've ever made. <3 Phi Mu.

Ok,that one took a lot longer than the first one. I'm interested to see how the next two go!

Finally Friday

Quitting time? I wish. Sometimes, I don't know why I insist on working. Haha.

Anyway. That's totally not the point of my writing today. Though, technically, I'm not sure I have a point.

B left yesterday. He got there safely this morning, our time. What a flight. I am not looking forward to having to do it again, even if the next time is going to be in three years.

I'm waiting for everything in my life to realize that he's gone and things to start breaking, falling apart, etc. I did just go to the bathroom and heard something in the vent. With legs. Not excited about that, but I am just going to continue in the happy thought that whatever it is is stuck in the vent and can only get out of the house. Not in. We are going with that, ok?

I have to say though, I really am interested in finding out how I do this separation. Last time I really did have SO much help, and here I have one friend. Ok, well, I have more than that, but really only one who I know will help with Bug.

Anyway, as another distraction, I am joining the 100 Facts blog posts going on. I am entirely clueless as to how to 'grab a button,' so I'm going to write the blog link and just copy the picture. I'm so lame, I know. Megan Writes is the website that started this!


See? It's a super cute button, but I literally have no idea how to make it a link. I'm hopeless some days.

So here are my 25 facts - I'm way late to the game so I'm going to be behind, but I'll try my hardest to get to 100.

1. I generally don't mind watching kid's shows with Bug. In fact, I prefer some of them to adult shows.
2. I can't wait to have more babies. But I'm acting like I am totally not ready so that I don't get hounded by family and friends about when I'm finally going to get knocked up.
3. I get frustrated when people tell me that Bug being a good kid is by chance. No, it's not. B and I worked hard to make her a good kid.
4. I'm still afraid to go to sleep without another adult in the house.
5. When I was little, I wanted to be a model. I don't know why.
6. I don't feel like I have any special talents. I have areas that I'm ok in, and I try to be better. I started this blog because I wanted to work on my writing skills.
7. Secretly *(until now...)*, I want my blog to be really popular, like the blogs I read all the time. I know how silly that sounds.
8. People always tell me they admire how straight forward I am, but really, I filter about 90% of what I want to say.
9. I want more tattoos, but I don't know where to put them.
10. I am never happy with the purse I have. Never.
11. I want to be a hat person. They always look weird on me.
12. My mom called me her butterfly when I was little because I always wanted to be on the move. This is still true; I'm hoping it helps the whole married to a Marine thing. Hooray for travel!
13. I over think EVERYTHING. I am still nervous about an issue that happened with two friends in December.
14. My husband will tell you that my biggest weakness is my insanely low self confidence. It's true.
15. As much as I want more kids, I'm truly petrified that I'll treat them differently than I treat Bug. I don't want to, and I'm hoping that helps.
16. I majored in English in college. I still have panic attacks thinking about how stupid I felt in class.
17. Though I love my husband with all my heart, it frustrates me how much I depend on him. I liked being an independent person.
18. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I hate that. I admire those people who have always known what they wanted to do, or who fell in to something perfect for them. I am not like that, and it sucks.
19. I miss being younger. Not because it was 'easier,' but because my extended family was so different. It's hard to grow up and see the flaws in people.
20. I am SUPER judgemental. And once I make my mind up, it's really hard for me to change it. I kind of hate that about me, though usually I'm right.
21. I am addicted to my iPhone.
22. Nothing makes me happier than an email from a friend. But I suck at returning them.
23. B and I are opposites in probably every way possible. For example, if he knew I couldn't grab a button, he would laugh at me for five minutes. But I couldn't convince him that it was a good idea to pack a book for the flight to NC. When we came here, I had six in my carry on.
24. Years ago, my mom bought me an eBook. I hated it, but I couldn't tell her, because I felt horrible that she spent so much money on it. I just couldn't wrap my head around not holding a book. Last summer, my husband bought me a Kindle. I love it. Mom thinks the eBook she bought me broke in the move. I still feel guilty about lying, but I honestly think it was better to do that than to hurt her feelings.
25. Even though I am a liberal hippie, I still have faith in my government and honestly think that 95% of the choices they make are for good reason. I do NOT think it is necessary for Joe Schmoe to know that reasoning. That's why we elected these people. I think it's because my dad was a cop - I just grew up with the understanding that people in certain positions knew more than I did about what they were dealing with, and should be trusted to make the right choice.

Ok, that was really fun. I'll keep trying. I'm way behind, but oh well. :)

Alright, time to put Bug to bed *(ok, really, I should have done that about 2 hours ago...)*, and head there myself.

Happy Thoughts

So in just a few short days, B will be leaving. He'll definitely be gone at least a month. Possibly six. He is not deploying, he's just going TAD for a while.

I should be upset. And I am. I mean, that's a long time for my husband to be gone. I know, I know, I know. Marine Corps Wife - suck it up, move on, it's what happens. I KNOW.

But still. It doesn't matter when, where, or how long they leave, it still sucks. Right?

Anyway. I guess it's my coping mechanism, but all I can do is keep thinking about things that will change for the good while he's gone.

Way less laundry.
No more 3.30 am alarms.
No tiny little hairs and puddles of water around the sink from the morning shave.
NO stinky PT gear.
Dinner for two: less to cook and less to clean.
No guns. No cleaning guns. No shows about guns. No talk about guns.
Sleeping in the middle of the bed.

So I keep thinking about those good things and it's making it a lot easier. The most annoying/frustrating part right now, is that we don't know a return date. Or month. Or season even. At least I know he should be home this year. That's something, right? Oh Marine Corps. Thanks for keeping us on our toes.

BUT when he gets home, we are going to start trying to have a baby! I'm pretty excited. But I want a healthy pregnancy, so I've started going to the gym. If you knew me, your jaw would be on the ground right now. Today was my first session and it wasn't too bad. I got the personal trainer, since it's $5/hour. She had me do a few things and thank goodness, she's very nice and friendly. I don't want a Drill Instructor telling me to walk faster. I would probably just quit.

That is one of the reasons the whole no return date is so flippin' frustrating. I'm WAY too excited about the idea of having a baby and knowing that I have to wait until he gets home...blech.

I've started reading some books and things online about having babies. It's kind of gross, huh? That's a bit daunting, but I keep hearing the end result is worth it, so we shall see.

One Year

So I have officially been a Marine Corps wife for a year now. I feel as though I have done quite a bit in this year, and learned a ton. So, as my jump back in to blogging, I'm going to share a few things I've learned. *(Probably nothing too surprising for any other military spouses!)*

1.
He means it when he says I know what he knows, whether it's about TDY, TAD, PCSing, deploying, or even when he has duty.
It's just annoying that he doesn't know much.

2.
Life is easier when you go with the flow and accept that
you don't have control.
Not that I have learned to do this, but I know I should.
...I figure that's halfway there, right?

3.
I will tear up when I hear anything patriotic.
It still surprises me.

4.
My husband will not brag about himself, regardless of what he has done.
It's a Marine thing.
That's fine.
I can do it for him.

5.
No matter where your husband is, when you hear on the news about a casualty, your heart will stop. Because you know
it could be your Marine.
And God bless the CACO Officers, but I never want to meet one.

6.
No matter how much you love who you are with and where you are,
it is really hard to be so far away from everyone
you need in your life. I'm still trying to figure out how to make long distance friendships work, and sometimes, I feel like I am failing miserably.

7.
Military wives are an interesting breed of women. Most are strong and brave and completely independent capable women. Others are very immature, whiny, and a bit crazy.
Figuring out who is what is like navigating a mine field.

8.
It is frustrating and hurts every time someone tells me that I knew what I was getting in to. I am not sure how they think I am going to take it, but I fail to see how knowing that I was marrying a Marine makes it any easier to say goodbye to him for months at a time.

9.
I *thought* I knew what "friends that turn in to family" meant when I was in college.
I did not.
Now, however, I do. And
I am so grateful for them.

10.
Sorority life was amazing training for military wife life!

11.
I would not trade this life for anything.

Ok, I have tried a few times to start this post nicely and I just can't think of any way to do it, so here goes. We are jumping in, mid thought.

One of B's friends called last Friday night and seemed a little off. B kept talking to him and eventually he realized that friend hadn't heard from his wife since he left for work that morning. At 5 am. It was now almost 8 pm. B and friend talk for a while, with friend insisting that B not come over, he just wanted to talk. B gets off the phone, and since I am an *expert* eavesdropper, I say, "You know to ignore him and that you need to go over there, right?" B says, yeah, yeah, and heads upstairs to change. After some frantic phone calls *(and desperate attempts by yours truly to be all Veronica Mars and solve the case by posing as various people and putting in phone calls to the PD and the airport)*, the case is solved. Wifey packed a bookbag this morning and took the bus to the airport.

She flew home.

Without ever mentioning anything to her husband or friends here.

Which leads me to the question: How could anyone do something like that?

Now, don't get me wrong. If your husband is abusive/psycho/etc., I understand. Get away. Safely. But, at least from my view, SHE was the aggressive one in the relationship. I saw her hit him, yell at him, berate him, etc. He just took it. So, unless there's something REALLY weird going on, that's not the case here.

Although, from what I heard, that's what she's telling people at home, which is a WHOLE different story. *(How could you falsely accuse someone of beating you!?)*

So, needless to say, friend has been staying with us and some other friends on and off. He seems to be fine, but still in shock.

He even came to Thanksgiving yesterday, and while he got a bit drunk, enjoyed himself, I think.

Then.

She called. Why you ask?

Because she waiting somewhere for someone and was bored and alone and wanted to talk to someone. Oh, and by the way, she wanted money.

...

WHAT? I seriously don't understand some people.

I don't even know if there is anything else I can say.

Motherhood

So I was kind of thrown in to motherhood. I don't regret it at ALL, but there are times when I go, oh my gosh...I'm a mom. I assume this is true for mothers who have given birth as well.

There are times when I get accused of being less than a real mom because I didn't carry my daughter. For example, the woman who told me I loved Bug in my own way. What way is that?

There are times when I sometimes go, oh my GOD, what did I get myself into? Like when my friends are going out and I can't because I have a daughter now and no one to watch her.

And yes, there are even times when I sometimes catch myself thinking of what I could be doing if I HADN'T jumped in head first. These moments are usually fleeting, and I realize that nothing could be more wonderful than Bug in my life.

And then. There are moments when I just feel so utterly unprepared for this! HOW can I be a mother? I don't know what I'm doing! Who would allow this?

Like, for example, when I am sitting downstairs uploading pictures of Bug's birthday for family to see, and I hear her moving upstairs. At 10.30 pm. All prepared for a fight, I march upstairs to tell her to get her butt right back in bed, when halfway up the stairs I realize she's crying. Now I start running. WHY is my baby crying at 10.30 at night? I get there and it seems she's had a nightmare - she heard a monster. Not thinking anything of the smell in the room, or the fact that she is no longer in her pjs, I assure her there are no monsters as I lay her back in bed and sit next to her to keep calming.

But when I sit, it squishes.

Because she actually woke up to throw up all.over.her.bed. and while trying to clean up *(hence the lack of pajamas)*, she heard something outside and the combination of not feeling good and the dark and being upset made her very scared.

What do I do?

She's thrown up a few more times, she's been bathed, I'm on my second load of dirty clothes/sheets/couch covers, and she's now sitting watching a Mary Kate and Ashley movie, sucking on a Grandpa Ricky medicine *(Luden's cough drops. My father has her convinced they fix everything. I'm going with it.)*. She has a cup of water, she says she feels better - despite a few runs to the toilet.

But...
What do I do?
How do I make her feel better?

For now, the Grandpa Ricky medicine, the movie, and the promise of cuddling all night and tomorrow *(because clearly she can't go to school and I can't go to work)* seem to be working.

I'm just not sure it's enough.